Category relationship

Out Stretched Hands

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The following words from someone I do not know captured my attention today. Their simplicity and tenderness stopped my scrolling though my FB feed full of status updates and political posts and caused me to consider how I generally move through my day.

“Lately I’ve been replacing my “I’m sorry”s with “thank you”s, like instead of “sorry I’m late” I’ll say “thanks for waiting for me”, or instead of “sorry for being such a mess” I’ll say “thank you for loving me and caring about me unconditionally” and it’s not only shifted the way I think and feel about myself but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity.” –vijara

I was similarly stopped by a stat I read just before the holiday break from school. According to the article 60 percent of the population cannot go 10 minutes without lying and they average 2 to 3 lies in that time frame. Most of these lies are relatively unimportant and generally told to help us fit in or make oneself look better such as, adding an inch or two to our height, taking five to ten pounds off our weight or saying we watched the movie everyone else is talking about when we only know a few of the most quoted lines. After reading that stat, I tested myself. Sure enough, within minutes I heard myself saying I was ready for Christmas when in fact I had done nothing to get ready–no decorating, no shopping, nothing. And moments later I dutifully answered “fine” when a colleague asked how I was doing. In truth I was fighting a cold and all I wanted was a comfy blanket and my head to stop pounding.

Little white lies–some, like the one I just mentioned, might even be called a nicety or the polite response to the extended greeting of “how ya doing?” which we know is never really meant as a sincere question.  I don’t know if the article I mentioned counted these types of lies but they truly come out of our mouths every day. “You’re lookin’ good!” when really we think they need to put on some weight, or take some off. “How’s that granddaughter of yours?” when in fact we never think about the granddaughter until we’re face to face with an acquaintance and feel pressure to make conversation.

Do these falsehoods actually hurt anything? I don’t know, but I’m beginning to think they might actually be damaging to our mental health. When we don’t trust others enough to be truthful with them, when we’re always only positive or only say what’s politically correct, [Given the group we find ourselves in PC might be politically, religiously, culturally, professionally, or economically determined.] we isolate ourselves. We build emotional walls to keep ourselves safe but they also keep others out. When one wall gets built in front of another wall which is built in front of another wall, some taller and thicker and more important than the first couple, the isolation turns to loneliness and the loneliness becomes filled with doubt. We begin to wonder if we will ever be understood, valued, or loved, if we will ever feel free to be the mixtures of flaws and ordinaries, and spectaculars that we truly are.

Human relationships are full of unintended and insincere communication.At least, this is the conclusion to which my experiences have brought me. The quote I used at the beginning of this post caused me to think about my own relationships in a new way. Outside of my immediate family, I do not have many close ties but I want the relationships I do have to be less polite and more straightforward. I’m not talking about becoming more critical (heck, I probably wouldn’t have any friends left if I did that). I just want to be more intentional with my words. I want others to know they can trust what I say to be what I mean. And when I change what I say or ask their forgiveness for what I’ve said, I want them to know I am truly repentant and am walking in a new direction.

Maybe I Am a Heretic

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Interesting word–heretic. It’s definition runs the gambit from dissenter to idolater.  I guess the intended meaning depends on who uses the word. When I first started blogging I wrote about politics, the Church, and my personal journey. I spent a lot of energy warning fellow Christians about becoming judgmental, twisting scripture to fit their singular bias, and driving people out while intending to love them in. Their reaction was less than receptive. I was told I sounded angry, warned to tone it down or risk offending my “brothers (and sisters)”, and in extreme cases labeled a heretic destine for hell.  Some who knew my situation pointed out my lack of regular church attendance as further evidence toward my ultimate destination. Though truth be told, I left the building in search of God, not because I’d lost my faith.

It has long been my not so humble opinion that rather than being havens, buildings with the primary function of a once a week gathering, have become millstones around the necks of their congregants. The larger and more glorious they are, the less cost effective. The classic pyramid leadership structure embedded in most of these organizations is equally restrictive and consumptive. Not only do they provide little opportunity for more than the same couple voices to be heard they swallow up the little remaining resources generated from the tithes and offerings of their congregations in order to keep the few at the top of the pyramid employed.

Like me, a growing number of men and women have responded to those problems by blazing their own spiritual trails. Some continue to infiltrate more traditional circles in order to reroute stuck thinking and provide safe places within hostile waters but most have formed alternative fellowships, like The Refuge in Broomfield, CO, where the marginalized are welcome, valued, and nourished and where ministry to the marginalized is on-going. Individuals who have not found like minded faith fellowships plug in to non-religious organizations which are focused on positive participation in the greater community. Their faith is fed by joining with others to practice the Gospel Jesus preached. The overarching connection among these new expressions of the Church is their inclusive nature, outward focus, and fellowship in action.

The emergence of a reformed expression of the Church has caused some confusion and more than a little frustration within traditional ranks. As their numbers decline, those left behind instruct one another to reject the legitimacy of these new trail blazers.  Leaders like Franklin Graham, Denny Burke, John Piper, and James Dobson feed fear and distrust. They have labeled this new wine as worldly, deceived, or worse.

Last August this division came to a head. A group of self-described evangelical leaders produced a document called the Nashville Statement. In its preamble the statement asks, “Will the church of the Lord Jesus Christ lose her biblical conviction, clarity, and courage, and blend into the spirit of the age? Or will she hold fast to the word of life, draw courage from Jesus, and unashamedly proclaim his way as the way of life?” These are profound questions. I wish the authors of this statement would ask themselves the same thing, for they have missed the mark.

Not only does the Nashville Statement fall seriously short of Christ’s example of love–so powerful it casts out fear and cannot be destroyed, removed, or diminished–it focuses almost exclusively on policing human sexuality, specifically within the LGBTQ communities. So, before you embrace the judgment of the Nashville edict, consider what a friend I met on FB has to say regarding good and bad fruit. And remember, Jesus promised to send the Spirit to each of His followers. You should trust the Spirit to be your teacher as you read or listen to any teaching from Man. Also remember, scripture is full of parables and passages designed to help us discern between good and evil. For example, as parents, we are warned not to exasperate our children and reminded that when they ask for bread we do not give them a stone. More than once we are told, forgiveness (when there is something we must truly forgive) is meted out to us in the manner we bestow it on others. And love, scripture reveals, covers a multitude of sins.

Sins–individual acts of wrong doing. These are harmful. They damage our relationships and impede our progress toward becoming the people God called us to be. Left to multiply they can consume a person’s life. But sins and Sin are not necessarily one in the same. Sin separates us from God. The real “spirit of this age” is the same “spirt of this age” Jesus warned against when he called the teachers of the law and the Pharisee blind guides and hypocrites. Ego, lust for power and position, greed, a judgmental heart–these are the sins of separation, the attitudes that keep us from building relationship with one another and trusting God to do the rest. These are the sins that become Sin by destroying the unity of the Body and feeding us verses them mentalities. So, if I am a heretic for standing against that which divides and embracing that which brings together then AMEN to heresy, for all are welcome at the table laid out for Christ, including the heretic.

 

#MeToo

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Two words meant to create awareness about the systemic sexism in our country: sexual abuse, sexual harassment, gender inequality, and rape culture. My FB feed exploded with “Me, too.” memes, comments on memes, debates about the meme, and personal stories. Men, identifying with the abuse aspect shared their own stories, as did people from other groups.  Some were greeted with inclusion. Others were rebuffed, too often with angry words and accusations. A few people asked: “Why just women?” And, this is where I’d like to start.

The reason the original “Me too.” meme was not “all inclusive” (after all men have been raped too and women say they want equality–ARGH!) is because all women in the US are impacted by abuse and sexual assault. (In reality I should not limit this statement to the US, but I cannot personally speak to what women outside the US experience). Women are taught to be careful, to be modest, to not go places alone, because if we don’t follow these rules we might get hurt by men, and our actions can be (as in they are allowed to be) interpreted as “asking for it”. When we are hurt we must be willing to have our character questions, our clothing analyzed, and our blood alcohol factored in. Almost every woman I know has been subject to some degree of harassment (though generally not illegal) by male bosses, husbands, fathers, other male family members, male classmates, male teachers, male friends, and/or male strangers. Most have multiple stories they could tell. Far too many have experienced abuse, rape, and/or intimidation at the hands of men who were supposed to care about them. Sexual assault isn’t a one time experience for most women. And many of these experiences are shared by every other woman in their lives. The original meme was NOT trying to suggest rape and/or abuse only happens to women. Instead, it tried to focus our attention on a pervasive problem within our culture that needs to be seen and addressed. Similar to how the Black Lives Matter campaign is NOT saying other lives don’t matter, the “Me, too.” meme is not saying men haven’t suffered from sexual violence. The initial thread was intentionally narrow because sometimes it is important to focus on one aspect of one issue in order to actually change perceptions, heighten awareness, and ready the ground for change.

That said, I personally believe every voice that draws attention to the damage done by sexual predators not only to their prey but to society as a whole are valuable. A man who is violated by another person experiences no less pain than a woman, simply because he is a man. He must still navigate a world that has profoundly changed, that has become less safe, less stable or predictable, and less understandable. Unwarranted feelings of guilt and shame do battle in his brain in the same ways they wage war in a woman’s. When men put words around their experiences of sexual assault and abuse we should listen and show compassion. Men who tell their stories do so in solidarity with women, not to dominate or overrun the conversation.

Another group I noticed posting “Me, too.” memes were members of the LGBTQ communities. People in these groups are at an extremely high risk of sexual assault and intimidation. While 18% of all college women have experienced an attempted or completed rape, the percentage increases to 21% for all college transgender, gender queer, or nonconforming students. If you are bad with percentages–that’s more than 1 in 5 TGQN people. We need to stop ignoring the flesh and blood behind these statistics.

Most of the men in my own life including my sons would fall into the “sexist by default” group. They are certainly not predatory. They would most likely come to someones aid if that person was being physically harmed. Yet, they would also stay uncomfortably silent if a buddy made a sexually explicit remark or told an off-color joke about a woman. A significant number of them have made derogatory comments about a woman’s appearance themselves but only a few noticed how often the media focused on Hillary Clinton’s hair or outfit rather than her policy. (Though to be fair in this past election, 45’s tie and hair got an an unusual amount of play for a man). I bring up this category because it our society it is almost impossible to be male and to not fall into it. Staying out of this category takes focused effort and a heightened self awareness. The men who have run with the #NOTME comments illustrate just how easy it is land in the #sexistbydefault group. Unfair? Let’s just say I have empathy for most of these guys. As a white woman I have spent far more time in the #racistbydefault group than I care to admit; just ask my nonwhite friends.

The thing is, Ladies, these are the guys we need to figure out how to educate. And, most of them are reachable. The few who fought hard against applying the label to themselves and who minimized the experience of sexism by women don’t actually fall into the “default” category. They are sexist period and should be ignored. They have chosen not to listen. Hopefully, for the women in their lives, the ugliest elements of sexism will never come crashing down on them. As for the rest–start with the men in your circle. Give them a gentle rebuke, point out what you see in the media, show your vulnerability by sharing how you feel when…  Specifically directed anger encourages understanding; a spray of vitriol does not, so be specific. We must also remember to thank and cheer on the men who get it right. Their truly “getting it” increases our numbers and helps pave the way for change. Bottom line: we want change; we want a world in which sexist behavior and attitudes are unacceptable and those who engage in them will be called out!

 

When Love is Tossed Around

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I feel prickly.  This morning (11/15) I engaged in an on-line conversation which started when I commented on one of those postit notes on FB.  I found the postit offensive, especially from a Christian perspective.  Since I knew the poster claimed a Christian allegiance, I dove in.  Grrr…I got nowhere trying to reason, became too blunt, and finally walked away frustrated and irritable.  I don’t like these feelings.  I don’t like letting my irritation gee best of me.  And, I really don’t like coming to the conclusion that nothing I can say will provide the person I’m talking to with that ah-ha experience which convinces him or her that the thread is truly offensive.  On the other hand, I think the fact it is offensive is a no-brainer, especially to someone, anyone, who holds onto Christ as a role model.  Yet here I sit, having just posted my Bullies VS Visionaries thread feeling less than hopeful, again.

I tried to ask myself why this mattered to me.  The fact that most of the people who see this person’s posts already stand on the same side of the line didn’t help me feel better.  In fact when I saw this individual had over 400 friends it made me feel worse.  At one point I thought maybe I’ll just be defriended and thus put out of my misery.  But that didn’t happen.  Instead, I got an assurance that the poster loves me and then–crickets. I tried to distract myself with other work BUT the pricklies lingered.  Even now, I want to break china or something just to express the ARRGGHHH!!! I’m feeling.

It has finally dawned on me that the assurance of love from the poster set me off more than the rest of the post.  Those words don’t mean anything.  When my Christian friends ignore my concern that the words they spew and the postits they repeat might actually cause others distress, might hurt their cause, might wound their God, when they justify their bigotry by evoking God’s name or some regurgitated interpretation of scripture, when they warn me about some dangerous slippery slope I’m on because I refuse to embrace their brand of truth, and follow it all up with those two little words: “Love you” I want to gag.  I want to call them liars and false prophets, hypocrites and Pharisees.  I want to plead with God, like I’m pleading right now, that He send down some divine wisdom, some super spiritual, undeniable, bigger than life, ah-ha of truth!

Mostly I want my fellow Christians to know that loving me, or at least claiming to, doesn’t take them off the hook when they don’t love others.  And, assuring me that they really do love “others” while I watch them offend, damage, frighten, and repel them doesn’t actually count for anything.  Just like wishing a starving man good health isn’t actually the same as sharing your meal with him, quoting scripture isn’t the same as walking it out.  I want my fellow Christians to understand that words, even words as nice as “love you” ring hollow when accompanied by behavior, gestures, and additional words which exclude, slander, demean, and wage war.  I want my fellow Christians to realize that even though they may feel good about themselves for being able to say “love you” even after I’ve angered and rebuked them, I am beginning to doubt the meaning of such love.

I want a lot, both for and from my fellow Christians, but since wanting something doesn’t make it happen and I don’t know any magic formula to guarantee we will ever learn to love the way Christ has loved us, I only have the following to offer.  I promise anew every day to love God more and my neighbor better, knowing that God will not do what I can do, and what I cannot do, He has already accomplished.

Breaking Bread and Lifting Burdens

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I made it all the way through the Easter season biting my tongue. I hoped against hope that the miracle of a resurrected Christ would somehow touch the hearts and spirits of the super-religious as they chanted their ugly hate-filled rhetoric at the rest of the world.  I so wanted this season to be a turning point, an awakening of the Church, a self-determined humbling of the religious elite.  But posts like the recent Dobson rant remind me of something I was taught many years ago–God rarely does what we can do ourselves. In other words, I don’t get to lose 50 pounds because I pray hard, unless I also develop better eating and exercising habits. And, the Church will not be known by its love unless I (and a whole bunch of others) do the work of loving more loudly than the haters hate.

How dare I, right? I mean, isn’t James Dobson the poster boy for Great Christian Dads?! I must be confused as well as a hypocrite. Well, sorry to break it to you (although I’m not really; I’m actually kind of angry) but, I mean to imply exactly what the statement above implies.  The voices of James Dobson and everyone like him need to be drowned out. His microphone needs to be turned off and the world needs to know that he and those who agree with him do NOT speak for the whole Church and, in my opinion, do NOT speak for God, at least not the loving Father who sent His Son so we could find our way back to Him! NOT the God the religious right of the day nailed to a cross two thousand years ago! NOT the God who broke down barriers between Greek and Jew, slave and free, male and female. NOT the God who reprimanded His disciples for barring children from His blessing by saying, “Let them come.” NOT the God I find when I read the good news of the gospels.

How dare James Dobson! or anyone else who claims to represent Christ, threaten Civil War if the Supreme Court rules in favor of same-sex marriage?  What country does he think he’s living in?  The United States is not a theocracy and it certainly isn’t governed by his brand of Christianity.  The Bill of Rights guarantees that no law shall be enacted that would establish one set of religious beliefs over another set of religious beliefs.  No one, including the people bringing suit, will be allowed to force a pastor to marry them or demand they be allowed to marry in a specific fellowship hall.  Pastors will NOT be arrested or fined and their places of worship will not be stormed or forcefully shut down. Sadly, the religiously self-righteous will still be allowed to spew their hate-filled biases and deny others access to God through their doors.

While thankfully we have reversed our traditional teaching with regard to blaming ALL the Jews for nailing Jesus to the cross, (A thorough explanation of this topic by David Gushee can be found here.), we also understand He was put there, at least in part, by the Jewish law experts of His day. The Pharisees tried repeatedly to trap Jesus with their knowledge of tradition and the Law but Jesus would not be trapped. Instead, He went right on breaking bread with the man who climbed a tree, prostitutes, fishermen, a man who’d been dead and was brought back to life, that man’s sisters, children, tax collectors, and everyone else who opened their doors to Him. I might find it ironic if it weren’t actually so tragic, how often modern day preachers blast the Pharisees for their legalism and denial of Christ but then turn around and prescribe to their followers their own set of standards for entering the Kingdom.

As I suggested in a 2010 post, found here, the Church bears a significant burden not only for the harm we’ve done directly to LGBT people by our vile name calling, bullying, and rejection but also for denying them access to the protected, covenant relationships of marriage.  Paul compares God’s relationship with His creation to marriage not because God needed marriage to make babies but because Paul wants the Church to understand God’s fidelity with, commitment to, and and love for His Bride.  As strange as the idea may seem to us today, Paul’s words to the Ephesians were as a revelation about what marriage should look like as well as what God’s relationship with the Church should look like.  In Paul’s day, women were considered property and in his letter to Ephesus Paul suggests there should be mutual submission between husbands and wives since wives were to submit and husbands were to love sacrificially–the way Christ loves the Church.  While most Christians would never suggest women should be seen as property it has frankly taken us a long time to get to this point.  Thus, I’m  saddened but not actually surprised that embracing monogamous same-sex relationship as equally valid to monogamous opposite-sex relationships has been difficult.

That being said, the Church must continue to move forward. I will pray that no one’s faith is crushed in the process but I also promise not to quit until the  voices like James Dobson and Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee and Rand Paul are changed.  Their rhetoric not only harms LGBT people by telling lies and spreading fear it  causes division and confusion within the Church by labeling what is evil good and what is good evil.  It is time for the followers of Christ to reclaim our title. It is time we behave like little Christs and become known by our love.

Life Gets Scary Sometimes

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I don’t know what else to do except cry, and cry out. This about torture in the name of “cure” and this about one man’s God complex terrify me. After two suspicious deaths the fact the Echo Wild Game Rangers was allowed to continue to torture children boggles my mind. And, the idea that 21st Century Americans, especially the more than 50% who are women, willingly submit to, give money to, or even listen to men who believe and expect others to believe women should be discouraged from competing in the marketplace with men, and not be paid the same when they are, because they are women flat out frightens me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to combat such ugliness. When those I believe ought to be doing something, are actually the most able to do something, but chose instead to turn their backs, bury their heads in the sand, or worse agree with the perpetrators of these dangerous deceptions I honestly wish I could stop believing. I want to quit, to give up altogether on God on the Church on humanity.

But I can’t.

The God I believe in deserves more. Those I know who truly want to love God with all their hearts deserve more.  And the few who continue to stand in the gap, continue to call attention to the harm being done, continue to pull heaven to earth by walking like Jesus to the best of their flawed human abilities deserve more.

I appreciate news sources like the Huff Post Gay Voice not because I agree with all their verbiage but rather because without them more and more extremists would get away with turning the United States into a less free, less tolerant, more theocratic, and more frightening society. Their call to arms (physical not military) may sound out of sync with the love Jesus messages many prefer to hear on Sunday morning but the truth is sometimes in order to love Jesus we need to act radically.  In order to love Jesus we need to swim against the current.  In order to love Jesus we need to risk hearing the Spirit speak to us through unlikely sources.  I doubt Moses expected a burning bush.  I imagine Balaam was pretty surprised when his donkey spoke.  David understood his friend Johnathan spoke for God but it took the death of his oldest son before Pharaoh began to listen.  My point is, we often ignore what we don’t like to hear, what seems contrary to our preconceived ideas of how life is supposed to unfold.  And honestly, being people of God doesn’t guarantee we’ll get it right.

The Israelites were God’s chosen and yet they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.  Heck, they missed the Messiah, the one they had been looking for ever since they left Egypt!   They told themselves they knew what to look for.  Even though God spoke to them through the prophets they begged for a king.  They convinced themselves they could trust their leaders. They believed, sincerely believed, they knew the signs and would recognize God whenever He showed up.  I believe their belief was no less sincere than our own.  I also believe we have their mistakes to learn from if only we are willing.

The Israelites were given prophets but wanted a king.  We have been given the Holy Spirit yet prefer to put our trust in human leaders instead.  We give them nice titles–pastors, prophets, teachers, and apostolic leaders.  We tell ourselves they’ve been appointed by God, are the man of God in God’s house, and speak for God–the word of God–when they speak.  But honestly, how many of us can point to a burning bush as evidence to our claims.  Don’t get me wrong; I am NOT calling any of our leaders evil.  I do not doubt their desire to be counted as good leaders.  Nor do I question the sincerity of our individual desires to love God.  What I am saying is that like the Israelites we have gotten off track.  We have let fear and laziness have a foothold in our thinking.  As a result we place unnecessary burdens on ourselves as well as those who would run to Jesus if we let them.

Love is not easy. But, it is a much lighter burden to carry than the book of the law.  Casting off judgment, setting aside our lists of dos and don’ts and ins and outs, and simply meeting needs, sharing what we have, and listening to one another’s stories is enough.  Just after Jesus said, “Come to me all you who are weary…and I will give you rest…My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” the Pharisees criticized His disciples for breaking the Sabbath. Jesus replied to them, “I tell you that something greater than the temple is here. If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.  For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” Of course, Jesus was talking about Himself but the Pharisees couldn’t see it.  Let’s not make their same mistake.  Let’s instead take every opportunity we can to see Jesus in our midst.  Even if later we need to ask, “When did we see you thirsty and give you drink?” let us go out into the world carrying cups of water and loaves of bread rather than stones of condemnation.


 

Some Wall are Love

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In my little neck of the FB woods the image to the left is popping up all over the place.  I was struck by two things.  First, I found it pretty cool that the photographer captured a rainbow in the back ground given the Biblical story as to how the rainbow came into being and what it means.  Secondly I was struck especially hard by the caption which usual accompanied this picture: “Christians protecting Christians from Christians”. Let that sink in a little.

In Portland Oregon this weekend over a thousand people from the LGBT community and their allies gathered for the Gay Christian Network Conference.  This was not the first year GCN has held such a gathering but it is the first time the Westboro Baptist group decided to send protesters.  Yet, thanks to their pre-conference threats (perhaps in an attempt to deter some people from going) a third group showed up.  They too called themselves Christians.  Their plan was to form a wall of protection so that attendees could walk into the conference without being accosted by the Westboro group.  It worked and the thanks on my FB feed are flowing!

I would love to have gone to the Portland conference but as a first year teacher I’m not only broke but don’t have personal days to use for such events.  Still, I have enjoyed the reports coming from the conference and look forward to watching the videos.  Several in the mom’s group I’ve mentioned over the last several months went with their husbands to offer FREE MOM (and Dad) HUGS to those who need surrogate families.  I’m proud to be associated with these men and women.  I know many of their stories and am in awe of what they have overcome. I’m impressed by their determination to not only love their own children but to love those who have been rejected by their own parents, siblings, friends, and fellowships. That’s much too long a list but thankfully the numbers in those groups are dwindling.

I don’t know any of the people who formed the wall or who protested on the other side of the wall at the conference. I may have mentioned the activities of Westboro in the past but I really don’t need to give them any more attention then they’ve already gotten.  I do, however, want to talk about the groups and individuals who formed the wall.  I wish I could write each one individually and say thank you but I don’t know who they are.  I believe that was intentional.  Still, I want to thank them because while I have preached and whined and blogged about the Church standing up and representing the true face of God they actually stepped forward and did something!

These hands, feet, and hearts of God deserve our respect and our praise.  Some might have shared the same views as those attending the conference and some might not have.  That wasn’t important.  The side of the fence they stood on, and the lesson every other Christian fellowship ought to learn from them, is that the Christian God stands on the side of love.  These individuals helped to provide a safe haven and they left the rest for God to work out.  Those are not easy shoes to walk in but I am certainly glad to see more and more people doing it.

Some of the people who attended the conference did not learn that lesson soon enough to save their own children, siblings, parents, other family members and friends from the pain and damage of rejection, severed relationships, destructive behavior, and self loathing.  Some wish and pray they could have a second chance. But, those who can’t are reaching out to those they can. Instead of giving up hope altogether they hope their efforts will make a difference, heal some wounds, and eventually restore relationships within the Church.

In recent months, I feel my rage toward groups like Westboro Baptist subsiding, not because I no longer think their stance is wrong.  I am as convinced as ever that our sexual identity is not sinful and that God created each one of us with an equal capacity to love and to hate.  I further believe that He is for us, not against us and that He continuously encourages us to pick up His mantle of love.  Picking up that mantle is what helps me put down my rage or at least turn it toward more productive thoughts and behavior.  I feel less rage because I am feeling more compassion.

I firmly believe most of the individuals who comprise groups like Westboro Baptist have been raised in environments of fear and judgment.  They are trapped by the laws and condemnation they have created for themselves and expect others to live under.  They need as great an example of unconditional love as our LGBT friends and family.  And yes, while it can be argued that “they are hurting our kids”, it can also be argued that if we aren’t careful, if we don’t choose love we could be hurting their kids (as well as them).  Peace and love are never easy paths to take.  But that doesn’t make them less worthwhile.

First Love

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As stories go in the LGBT community especially those of a LGBT identifying child growing up in a conservative Christian family my son’s is relatively benign.  Honestly, loving him was a no brainer from the family’s point of view.  Yet, we were ignorant.  We’d been taught the conservative Christian lie that sexual attraction and gender identity was a choice that could be changed.  And, while it took some of us a little longer to turn away from the lies, we didn’t ever reject our son or brother and did ultimately CHOSE to adjust our behavior and verbiage as the truth was made known to us.  From my son’s point of view, I believe, most of the damage was done before we knew the truth, before he let us know how he identified.  Our ignorant words and behavior created an atmosphere of fear, rejection, and uncertainty for him.  Before ever coming out to us he spent years struggling with self hatred, wondering if his relationship with God was threatened by his attraction to other boys, and living with the fear his family would reject him if they (we) knew.  Our unstudied, status quo answers to his questions (when he tried to test the waters of our judgment) contributed to his pain.  We can’t undo those years.  We can’t take them back.  I hope he can heal from the damage our lack of understanding caused and I hope we’ll be given opportunities to embrace the whole of who he is.  Even so certain scars will probably be with him for life.

As I said, my son’s story is relatively benign.  Some children who identify as part of the LGBT community feel afraid for good reason.  For some, coming out to family begins a journey through the greatest pain they will ever feel in their lives.  The heart breaking stories I’ve read from parents who learned too late how to love their children and the ones told by children who no longer have families who love them fuel my pleas to the Church–We must become more like Jesus!  Children shouldn’t need to turn to prostitution and engage in unsafe sexual practice because they’ve been kicked out of their homes, rejected by their fellowships and friends, have no where to sleep, and have nothing to eat.  Children shouldn’t be filled with such self loathing that they contemplate suicide on a daily basis or get involved with drugs to deaden their pain.  These are realities in the LGBT community and the Church ought to feel ashamed for our part in driving our children to these dark places.

Love first!  Be the first to love.  Embrace first!  Be the first to embrace.  Nurture first!  Be the first to nurture. These dictates ought to be the mantras of Christianity.  They were most certainly the lifestyle of Christ.  He walked out loving His Father God.  He walked out loving His neighbor.  And, He walked out loving His enemy.  He showed us what non-judgment and forgiveness looked like when he spoke with the women at the well, ate with tax collectors, prostitutes, and Pharisees, refused to stone the woman caught in adultery, and prayed about the soldiers nailing Him to the cross, “Forgive them; they know not what they do.”  He showed His compassion for all of humanity when he wept over Jerusalem, fed the 5000, and traveled through towns and villages healing the sick and forgiving sins.  His life was inclusive.  He did not tell anyone that because of their sexual practice, because of their gender, or because of their ethnicity they didn’t belong.  He did not tell anyone that because of their sexual practice, because of their gender, or because of their ethnicity He couldn’t love them.  The Church has said that but Jesus never did!

Personally, I do not believe members of the LGBT community are sinners because of who they love or how they identify.  But Church, even if you do still cling to that thinking, it is NOT our place to judge.  We must become the safe havens we once were.  We must keep the bullying outside our walls and refuse to let our fellowship halls become torture chambers or lion’s dens.  We should be leading the way to champion the rights of the LGBT community.  And, we should do it not because it’s politically correct and will increase our coffers.  We should do it because we are called to be salt and light; we’ve been commissioned to deliver the good news; we’ve been given our own freedom.  We should do it because Christ would.

I am not ashamed of Christ but I have been a shameful representative.  Forgive me.  Forgive my ignorance and my laziness.  Forgive my silence and my duplicity.  Walk with me where the spirit of the Lord is because there is where we’ll find freedom and there is where we’ll know love.

 

Q and R

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A Facebook friend wanted help with a conversation she was have with another person.  Below are 11 questions or statements made by the other person in the conversation.  Each one is followed by my response, or how I would have responded if I had been part of the conversation.  I suspect this is one of those blogs that may include some additional questions and comments.

1) based on the Bible homosexuality is a sin

Actually, based on the interpretation by some religious people of six verses in the Bible (three Old Testament–two of which are the same rule written in two different places–and three New Testament) taken out of context and put into a very different context, engaging in same sex sexual behavior is a sin.  NOTE: Behavior is very different from being.

2) the government is forcing Christians to support homosexuality

Actually, the government cannot force Christians to support homosexuality.  The government must however enforce the constitution which grants all people religious freedom.  The constitution also says that no law can be instituted that gives preference to one group of people (including Christians) over another group of people (including homosexuals).  The Christians who do support the rights of homosexual people (and thus could be said to support homosexuality) do so voluntarily and without malice because they believe in the constitution which guarantees equal treatment under the law for all.  The United States of American is not a theocracy. 

3) radicals on LGBT side will use these laws to shut down more Christian owned businesses

No businesses have been shut down by radicals on the LGBT side.  Some businesses may have been boycotted in the same way that conservative Christian groups have called for boycotts against businesses they deem to be on the wrong side of their religious points of view.  Some, although I don’t know of any, may have faced law suits due to anti-constitutional business practices.  But, no new laws have been written to force Christian owned businesses to shut down.  Suggesting such is hyperbole and fear mongering.

4) for some their sin struggle is homosexuality

See number 1 above.  Homosexuality cannot be a person’s “sin struggle” if homosexuality is not a sin.  This comment is stuck on the notion that one’s sexual preference is a choice.  It is not.  I cannot change whether I have blue or brown eyes or am five feet two or six feet two. No one would expect me to try. In the same way, I cannot change whether I am left or right handed even though for years people who presented left handed were forced to switch to their right hands in spite of the fact that it took its toll on their ability to learn, their penmanship, and their coordination.  One’s sexual orientation is no different.

5) Aids epidemic among homosexual men

The aids epidemic is for the most part due to irresponsible sexual practice and affects all groups.  Yes, homosexual men have suffered from the epidemic the most.  But let’s dig a little into some of the contributing factors as to why many in the LGBT community engage in sex with multiple partners.  I suspect one possible reason may have to do with the fact that many feel they cannot live openly as members of the LGBT community for fear of being discriminated against, threatened, and even physically harmed.  Fear and constantly feeling the need to hide takes its toll on long term relationships.  Until fairly recently marriage was not even an option.  Even now only 19 states allow same sex marriage.  Thus society contributes to a less monogamous lifestyle.

6) if it was OK then why can’t homosexuals procreate?

Actually, homosexuals can procreate just not with each other.  Honestly, we don’t really want to pursue all the implications of this question.  We would never, for example, tell a heterosexual couple  unable to conceive that their marriage is less valid or worse–wrong in the sight of God.

7) she quoted 2 Timothy 4

Here we have another passage of scripture taken out of context and applied to an entirely different context.  The Biblical gist of this text is that we should be prepared to tell others about Christ, that we will enter a time where it will no longer be popular to talk about the life of Christ and we will be tempted (our ears will be tickled) to emphasize something other than the Gospel, specifically we will be tempted to talk about myths.   So, a quick look at the definition of myth reveals that it is 1). a traditional story especially concerning the early history of a people, or 2). a widely held but false belief or idea.  I do believe quoting 2 Timothy 4 backfires.

8) when LGBT have their rights, other rights are violated. For example, the christian baker who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple received hate mail, threats, etc.

I am saddened that anyone would receive hate mail or threats for any reason.  But it is once again fear mongering to suggest that giving one group of people equal rights under the law takes away the rights of anyone else.  We do not have a right to discriminate. Period.  A Jewish baker serving the public does not have the right to refuse service to a Christian customer who comes into the bakery to buy bagels simply because the Christian customer does not have the same faith as the Jewish baker.  Sending hate mail and making threats are not rights.  At the same time, being told you engage in discriminatory practices in a letter is not the same as receiving hate mail.

9) a person should be able to live out their religious conviction in a respectful way without fear of being judged, sued, fired, condemned, isolated

Really?  Because more people in the LGBT community have been judged, fired, condemned, and isolated simply because of the person they chose to love than anyone simply trying “to live out his or her religious convictions.”  The type of discriminatory behavior that you describe is directed toward the LGBT community on a regular basis.  And, in this country the primary perpetrators of such discrimination are Christians.

10) religious freedom is being lost in this country

I guess I need to have this statement clarified because I simply don’t see any evidence that this is true, especially if the religious freedoms you are most concerned with are Christian.  Our places of worship have not been vandalized simply because they are places of worship.  We have not had to turn our membership rosters into governmental authorities.  Nobody to my knowledge has been beaten or tortured or murdered because they profess Christ.  We’re free to attend our fellowships at any time of the day or night.  The government hasn’t picked one single type of faith or denomination and forced everyone to follow it.  Nor has the government banned any single expression of faith.

11) if marriage can happen between same genders, why not animals, statues, or other off the wall things you love?

I promised myself when I started this post that I would take every statement and question seriously but frankly this type of question gets my goat.  The gentle answer is simple.  Marriage can not happen between humans and animals, statues, or any other off the wall thing someone loves because animals, statues, and every other off the wall thing cannot give its mutual and uncoerced consent.  Period.  Now quit being intentionally provocative.  Baiting someone to anger has no place in a serious discussion.

Community.

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I have had multiple conversations both on and off line in which on-line relationships and conversations are said to be of a lower quality or have less importance than face to face relationships and conversations.  I’ve seen numerous posts decrying Facebook and our addiction to it.  I’ve also had my fair share of experience with small groups, care groups, home churches, and fellowships large and small.  My personal experience doesn’t line up with the verbiage praising “real” face to face engagement over the “less authentic” on-line versions.  So what’s a body to do?

I’d love to have some of my on-line friends over for a nice dinner and a glass of wine.  I’m sure I’d enjoy laughing together more than laughing a couple hours later with my computer at something someone said…I mean wrote.  The human touch is inviting.  The trouble is weeding out the little irritations–the sound of her laugh, his constant interrupting, the over zealous protection of the furniture, or the lack of consideration for personal boundaries–is much MUCH more difficult in person.  I don’t have to listen to the ladies go on and on about the latest diet or hair-do nail polish color.  I don’t have to listen to the men talk about football, or basketball, or baseball.  I don’t have to hear how well Sally did at the science fair or how great a speller little Johnny has become.  I don’t have to mentally judge myself over and over during all those kinds of conversations and feel guilty or embarrassed or unsure or frustrated or seriously lacking.

The limited scope of on-line relationships helps me feel accepted–ACCEPTABLE.  And, I’m much more capable of accepting others, even those I know would eventually grate on me in person.  Does this make me a shallow person?  Well, I don’t know about making me shallow but it does sort of point out where my shallowness resides.  My hat goes off to the people who can do–face to face–what I am just starting to be able to do on-line: see others as equals, not be consumed by self focus (how I do and don’t measure up), and sincerely want to know, understand where someone else lives.

I recently posted the following note of encouragement to a new comer in an on-line group I belong to. As soon as I posted it I began thinking how beautiful it would be to find an in-person fellowship which functioned in the same way as the group I was describing to this new comer.

You will see a lot in this group. We are all in such different stages of our journeys that you are bound to find someone to walk with on the trail. At the same time, in the midst of feeling tired and knowing you are on a steep part [of the mountain] you’ll hear some of us whooping it up and wonder if you’ll ever feel like that, ever get to taste the cool refreshment of a mountain spring. You may even “feel” judged because you haven’t reached that point in your journey yet. Yet it is true, none of those who seem to be having an easier time or seem to be farther along in their walk are judging. We just don’t always remember, in the moments of our celebration, how it felt to be hiking a steep rocky path or what it’s like to get off the trail and lost in the trees. At times you may be convinced you don’t want to keep hiking. It’s too much work and the part of the forest you’re stuck in at least gives you shade. But I promise, the view just over the rise is worth the effort. The ways in which you can impact those behind you [on the trail] or still debating if they’re even willing to go hiking will make each painful step forward worth the effort. The energy you’ll receive when your lungs fill with the fresh air of love and acceptance and you know you’re standing on the top of a mountain with your son IS WORTH THE EFFORT! Bless you, _______. And know you don’t have to climb the whole mountain today.

I believe Jesus is the head of the fellowship I talked about in the above post.  This group has pooled resources, flooded members with notes of sympathy, encouragement, and congratulations, and even held face-to-face get-togethers in different pockets of the country.  I just don’t happen to live in a particularly accessible part of the country or have the resources to go somewhere else.  And so, I personally long for a physical manifestation of the heart of this community, a physical manifestation of the heart of God.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have these ladies in my life, these ladies with whom (because of the on-line nature of our group) I am not made painfully aware of my dowdy clothes, lack of make-up, or disinterest in wallpaper.  These ladies LIKE me on Facebook.  They encourage me in what I have to say and share my pain without judgement.  I am blessed!  But I know that someday, perhaps when I am more ready to be a manifestation myself, I’d like to enjoy a face-to-face fellowship that looks like my JBTB community.